| hate |
[06 Feb 2010|05:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Screamworks (HIM's new unreleased album) <3 |
] |
I can't make myself hate anyone, it's weird. I can't make myself unless there's a genuinely good reason that my personality would conflict with their's in a severe manor. It's not a philosophy, it's a mental block.
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[05 Feb 2010|01:59pm] |
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Right now, what I really want is a friend who can hang out with me at random hours of the night, and just walk around the town with me. A friend who I can bullshit with, a friend who will cause chaos with me. A partner in crime. A drinking and smoking buddy. Someone who is a music fiend like me, and we go to shows and mosh the fuck out of ourselves together. Someone who can walk around a mall with me, and we can watch the stupid shit that goes on. A friend who doesn't blow me off. A friend who doesn't bring a loot of drama to the table, unless they know I'd enjoy kicking someone's ass.
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| A long and boring update. |
[04 Feb 2010|09:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Motion City Soundtrack's "My Dinosaur Life" album |
] |
So lately things have just been kind of blurry....I'm blocking out a lot of memories from recent pasts. I'm purposely staying out of tune with the world. I really don't know why. I have people asking me what I did today, or how I'm feeling, and all I can really say is, "I don't know," because honestly, I don't know. I can't put together the pieces of the puzzle known as life anymore. I'm in apathy-mode.
I've gained so much weight this past winter, and I'm going vegan for a little while after a stomach ache issue yesterday. It's not just the weight gain that caused me to make this decision, but also because for a couple of weeks now, I've been getting shit stomach pain after I eat anything. As for my mom's health, she got a blood transfusion a couple of days ago, because she has an iron deficiency, caused by her retarded gastric bypass surgery (Which I am strongly against). You can shrink your stomach by fasting a couple of days, fatties. I think that doctors should be able to prescribe diets which medical insurance costs help you pay for- plans that require meetings and ordering food. If that doesn't fly, they should be able to prescribe diet pills. I mean, they are letting people addicted to pills be prescribed pills. Hell, I think kids should have their own diet pills, too- it's their body, and they either destroy it by eating everything in sight, or putting unnatural chemicals in them.
I'm falling behind in school, massively. I am in journalism right now, and I'm up to date in here, since I finished my article. It's going to be in this month's Mercury if you are interested. It is shipped with the St. Albans Messenger at some point in the next couple of weeks...I forgot the actual date. But yeah. My English teacher told me to pick up my slack. I lack the motivation to even give two shits about that class, or my college education. The only classes I care about is Piano Lab; I actually practiced on my keyboard yesterday instead of doing English homework that was due last Monday...ha.
Other things I have going for me? Uh, well...I don't know. I've just been hanging out with Eric in the mornings, sitting on the floor listening to my iPod. I went home early yesterday because I felt like it, and ended up feeling sick anyway, so it was good I did....I suppose. I slept from 7:45 until 10, ate some food, and went back to bed until my 5:45 alarm....decided not to shower in the morning, so I changed my alarm to 6:15...still got myself up at 6:08 or something...and time progressed to now. I've only had a sugarfree redbull (15 calories).
It's so cold everywhere. OH, and one actually exciting thing: I'm going to see fucking HIM on March 28th!!!!! It's in Boston, fuck yeah!  |
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| hm.. |
[03 Feb 2010|09:27am] |
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music |
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The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car) |
] |
"Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them." -- Dion Boucicault
"The time I kill is killing me. " -- Mason Cooley
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| 20 Reasons to go Vegan |
[01 Feb 2010|10:45am] |
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music |
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From First To Last - A Perfect Mess |
] |
http://aveganlife.blogspot.com/2006/05/20-reasons-to-go-vegan.html
1) Vegans on average live 6 years longer than non-vegans.
2) The average vegan total cholesterol level is 128. The lowest level for a heart attack is 150.
3) Milk consuption has been linked to cholic, ear infections, asthma, and a whole slew of other diseases.
4) Cholesterol can cause impotence
5) Vegans dont consume any cholesterol
6) Vegans dont smoke, and smoking is one of the leading causes of death
7) 33% percent of Americans are OBESE, while only 2% of vegans are
8) Tofu is a lot cheaper than steak
9) Fur has formeldahyde in it, which has been known to cause cancers and etc
10) Charred meats contain carcinogens that can cause cancers
11) Fast food meats like those at McDonald's have thousands of additives that are not only addictive, they can cause you to gain weight and mess up your whole body
12) The USFDA recognizes vegetarian and vegan diets as the healthiest diets.
13) Veal calves are often stillborn or unborn.
14) Veal calves that are born are raises in crates where they cant even turn around, and are fed only a diet of milk for 16 weeks before they are slaughtered.
15) Dairy cows on average live for 5-7 years, where as they are able to live to 20 years or more!
16) Pigs are more intelligent than dogs, and have the intelligence of a 3-year old.
17) Egg-laying hens are kept without water and food for 14 days at a time to force their bodies into another egg-laying cycle
18) It takes 7 cows to furnish a leather interior Mercedes-Benz
19) Milk is known to cause acne breakouts
20) MEAT IS DEAD FLESH
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| "Snuff" by Slipknot |
[30 Jan 2010|01:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 alone |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Slipknot - Snuff |
] |
Bury all your secrets in my skin
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins
The air around me still feels like a cage
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...
So if you love me, let me go. And run away before I know.
My heart is just too dark to care. I can't destroy what isn't there.
Deliver me into my Fate - If I'm alone I cannot hate
I don't deserve to have you...
My smile was taken long ago / If I can change I hope I never know
I still press your letters to my lips
And cherish them in parts of me that savor every kiss
I couldn't face a life without your light
But all of that was ripped apart... when you refused to fight
So save your breath, I will not hear. I think I made it very clear.
You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough?
I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end.
I never claimed to be a Saint...
My own was banished long ago / It took the Death of Hope to let you go
So Break Yourself Against My Stones
And Spit Your Pity In My Soul
You Never Needed Any Help
You Sold Me Out To Save Yourself
And I Won't Listen To Your Shame
You Ran Away - You're All The Same
Angels Lie To Keep Control...
My Love Was Punished Long Ago
If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know
If you still care, don't ever let me know...
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[27 Jan 2010|11:14am] |
I love having a friend that's a guy. I really do. I love having a guy friend who keeps it just that- a FRIENDship. Nothing confusing, and something I grew up with. Back before puberty...ahh, the good ole days! xD
I dread this journalism class...it's just like what I one day thought it would be- a job. A job = a burden = a chore = BORINGGGG. I'd rather do dishes for a living than this, hahaha. Seriously (Kind of).
Gotta go to advisory...yipee.
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| Writer's Block: Mobile etiquette |
[27 Jan 2010|11:03am] |
I don't get offended, I do it too. I mean, if they do it every two seconds, I might say something, but I kind of take out my phone if things get awkward, even though I have no text messages or anything to look at.
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[26 Jan 2010|09:52am] |
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mood |
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miserable |
] |
17 Calories today. Going to get pizza for lunch, I think.
I'm going to bed when I get home, and I'm not waking up until tomorrow.
Fuck it.
I want a drink.
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| !!! |
[26 Jan 2010|09:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
I just want to sleep right now...for days. I hate this. I hate people. I finally got to have a normal conversation with someone who doesn't drive me fucking insane this morning. That was enough to calm me down a little, but then I turned on my phone to see that I've received two texts since last night, when I set my phone to airplane mode...from it. I am sick of him. I hate him, and I hate nearly everyone else these days...Just ugh. I've become so angry. So guilty. So...jaded. I don't know, I hate this, though.
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| </3 |
[19 Jan 2010|11:03pm] |
Nothing even feels real anymore...I want to write about this in my notebook, it's much more personable...I don't like writing deep thoughts on here much, anymore, because I have to make everything private.
I'm so sick of this. Sick of feeling like this. Useless, dead, not always depressed, but just so empty always. The past two days make me think I fucked up my digestive system...I can't eat without a huge stomachache afterward.
I have fallen in love with my piano lab class, because all I have to do is put on some headphones and play; that's all I really wanted to do.
I'm staying with my aunt for the rest of the week...I'm already regretting it. All I want to do is lock myself in my room for a few days and just avoid unnecessary human contact. I also really want substances- Any drug besides caffeine. I'm sick of this, sick of being so unhappy about everything. I don't even know why I feel this way...not that I know much anymore...I forget everything. I feel like I don't even deserve to live anymore if all I am going to do is waste my life wishing it was back to the way it used to be...I want this to be my suicide note, and I want to die tonight...but I won't. No, I can't just die in my sleep.
I don't know anymore. I told someone earlier I just want to be committed and go under analysis for a week from psychologists...I want to know what the fuck is wrong with me. I actually want to go back on meds...I hate this so much.
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| Writer's Block: What I did for love |
[12 Jan 2010|11:11am] |
Yes, and I would do it again, because it was the greatest decision I've ever made. I am so much happier, and because i am happier, I am getting somewhat better grades, and I'm not nearly as suicidal as I was last year.
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| Writer's Block: Do you prefer a tent or a luxury hotel? |
[11 Jan 2010|02:52am] |
I would rather spend the weekend at a luxury hotel because I'm not a big fan of nature. I can barely sleep outside of my own bedroom, let alone outside of a building. Plus, I'd hope the hotel would have a jacuzzi and facials and stuff like that. I've been to multiple hotels, and the only thing wrong with that is my irrational fear that every room I get is haunted.
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| wow. |
[10 Jan 2010|11:08am] |
"Drunken Ballerina Waltz" by The Spill Canvas
It's like a thousand paper cuts soaked in vinegar.
That's the way it feels when I see him touching her.
It's like falling face first into a bed of broken glass.
And that's the way it felt when we shared our last dance.
It's like a thousand paper cuts soaked in vinegar.
That's the way it feels when I see him touching her.
It's like falling face first into a bed of broken glass.
And that's the way it felt when we shared our last dance.
Our last dance.
What makes you think that I'd enjoy this triangle?
I would rather be left alone.
What makes you think that I'd enjoy playing your games?
I would rather you stay at home.
It's like a new year's eve and no one to kiss.
I'd rather swim in champagne until the bottle tips.
Just as long as I don't have to hear her voice.
I will ring in the new year alone but not by choice.
But not by choice.
What makes you think that I'd enjoy this triangle?
I would rather be left alone.
What makes you think that I'd enjoy playing your games?
I would rather you stay at home.
Everything went as planned.
You failed miserably.
Atleast I got what I wanted
And you're happy.
Now I apoligize for my bitterness
But tell me dear what did you expect?
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| Writer's Block: Sunrise, Sunset |
[08 Jan 2010|08:35pm] |
When I wake up, the first thing I think about it getting up and ready for school. When I fall asleep, I basically space out/daydream about people and things I wish would happen, as well as romance scenarios.
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| Writer's Block: Menu fixe fix |
[08 Jan 2010|11:54am] |
Cheese pizza andddd cocoa pebbles.
I'd never get tired of the pizza, I don't know about the cocoa pebbles.
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| Writer's Block: Love is deaf |
[06 Jan 2010|05:18pm] |
I couldn't, simply. I need someone to eat, breathes, and sleeps music like I do, but music like rock, and I most certainly get a bit turned on by metal heads, so I've noticed ^^. But alternative rock, indie, metal, hard rock, and most certainly Motley Crue =D
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